How many of us have experience moments of outbursts of anger and rage? Perhaps you are ashamed to admit that you have been angry or that you were enraged at sometime in your life. However, most of us being the “maturing” people we are, will be honest and let you in on a little secret: we have all been there.
While sitting by my mother’s bedside; I watch her slowing give way to the angel of death waiting in the spiritual corridors. I knew that the time was approaching; yet her is my mother someone whom I love so much and could not offer a miracle to save her. Although I prayed and asked God to do just that she was wanting to let go. I was fighting a losing battle, but still did not want anyone to not serve her.
One afternoon in walks a doctor whom I had not seen before. He was a tall man with grayish blond hair who wanted to meet with the family. He told us it was time to let her go; that she had lived more than 80 years and it would be best for her for us to let her go.
I have to tell you I am uncertain as to what took over my mind that day, but I can assure you now that it was not Godly. I was enraged that this stranger who knew nothing about my mother in life, but her chart number and diagnosis could be so bold to suggest we let my mother go.
There are few times in my life that I can truly say I became enraged. Perhaps you have never gotten angry and you are a rare breed who is always in control of your feelings and emotions. Well, I thought so too. Until I heard those words from a total stranger.
After few days, I ultimately took my place on the floor of that little chapel in the hospital. I cried out to God to help me do what is right. By then, my mother suffered two cardiac arrests and she was no longer breathing on her own. IT hurt deeply to see her in that state and to think I had something to do with that.
What choices did I have but to follow my mother’s wishes “do all you can for me.” And, I was determined to do just that. However, in that moment on the chapel floor I felt guilt, anger and loss like nothing I could remember. I needed God’s help. I needed some peace about my mom’s dying process.
The answer came. It was clear and with such peace that passes understanding it took me from anger, depression and heartbreak to a solid release. The next meeting with the medical team was more of a confirmation there was nothing more that any of us could do. And, more importantly; my mother wanted to go home to be with our Lord and Savior. And she did.
Perhaps you are discovering that life is not all so clear at times. Perhaps you have gone through some loss, heartache or disappointments that have left you drain or even confused about your decisions.
As difficult as it was for me in my human-flesh; I knew I needed God to release me from the weight of this. I did not feel anyone had the right to determine when it was time to tell someone their life had no more value. While I continue to take that stantz; I know my mother was saying “good-bye” and she wanted me to release her now. She was tired of this world and ready to go on.
That afternoon I watched as one family member after another left the hospital. I would not leave. I could not leave until there was no more life left inside that body. I stayed all night and I remember feeling this strong urge to sit next to her. I piled pillows up in the hard straight back chair and on my mom’s side and laid my hands on her and I talked to her and loved on her throughout the night.
I found the beautiful worship song by Tamela Mann “Take Me To The King” and I played in all night.
As the 3rd shift was about to end and the 1st shift nurse was preparing to come on duty; a deep sleep apparently overtook my willingness to not miss a moment of my mom’s final breaths.
The next thing I knew a gently hand touched my shoulder to say; she’s gone. Both nurses were standing there one of one side of the bed and the other with me. They both looked at me wondering what would come next.
I was no longer angry. I was calm. I was at peace, and so was my momma.
As we travel this road of life we must all be aware that the time will come when we will say good-bye to someone we love deeply. I do not know who that person is for you, I know for me it was my momma and my sister ( a journey I will share in another article). Whoever it may be for you, just know you will get through it and God will take you lovingly and gently through the harshest of times even when it seems he is quiet.